Acres

everyone lives trapped in a revolving industrial garage with five-ton caution-striped hydraulic doors.

--

there's a black hole in the rearview mirror
as we drive out of nothing, into nothing
the world materializing fifty feet ahead
and dissolving as we pass.
we exist in a circle of definition
going nowhere at fifty-seven miles per hour.

--

We walk along fallow fields, jumping marshes and wading through reeds. We walk along the hedgerows under a leaden sky, into tangled apple trees whose withered fruits lie bleeding and frozen in the mud. All the trees have claws, here. Fingers reach across the pond, eating its icy casing, dyeing it aquamarine, dyeing it blackish and brackish as it starts to rain, and the pool becomes a drumskin, every drop a ring of sound, rippling into our eyes and our ears. We follow the memory of deer up the hill, into true woods. The moss and the ferns are rebels, survivors, verdantly alive in the monochrome scene. Our boots crunch down the slope, over stream and through brambles that tear our skin and clutch at our hair, onto a landscape laid belly up, open to the mercy of the sky... I wander in a daze toward a fallen cloud, a bit of still-frozen snow...? Through someone else's eyes I see the dead goose, its saline feathers sooty and rubied, strewn across the clover. Ornithinian ribs tear at the leaking sky, the ruined head tucked under one mangled, outflung wing. I sing a lament as I walk. I can hear the hunter in the woods; I am dressed all in brown. I sing as I capture the tiny hooves, scattered limbs, the pile of skin, the empty shell, the head, still erect. I sing in the sunlight to the open sky, to the strewn feathers and whitest down, the tangled intestines, the empty eyes and crushed beak, the crumpled feet. The shots ring, ever nearer, and I flinch; I wander, stagger, and weave; I scatter.

Condensation

words forced out
are spectres in the air
hanging.
they crown your head
circling like vultures
eat me eat me eat me.
feathers twitch in the cacophony of silence
as you give up
and lay your head on mine.
we are a city
a picnic-blanket landscape
strewn with cherry stems and eggshells.
we are checked--
red-and-white
back-and-forth
black-and-blue.
swing swing swing push.
there you go, now just hang
until your arms give out.
I'll catch you!
I promise.
sort of.
it's reciprocation, after all.
give-and-get.
I lost every receipt, love
so now we're just jumbled
piled between the bricks
of frustration, of desire.
...wait, what?
but you said...
damnit.
no.
collapse into our blanket cocoon
our pillow canoe
our net of limbs
our net of lies.
tumble back into the haze
of tiny bubbles
of criss-crossed crystal
of amber energy.
melt me.
yes, I am a puddle of mush.
sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiding.
let's make it a shindig
we'll be slush in the streets
dissolve in the heat
of tumbling truths
that haunt your mouth.
there are ghosts in the air
spirits on the windows.
every apparition staring me down
with their empty accusing eyes.
it was a failed exorcism
that only forced your spectres
into my ears, instead.

Drift

a magnet with no opposing poles
pushing closer and pulling away
caught in a tangle of electricity
spinning, spinning
with no direction at all.
a ship sails a cerulean sea
I watch an island through a spyglass.
stranded, not for lack of canvas
but the wind, listless
spirals out and down
and carries me nowhere.
bruised by crystal and brass
the compass never rests, these days.
as sable spreads outward
from lids heavy with thought
dripping with apology
drenched in regret.
lashes whip the room
freezing to stillframe
every smile
every kiss.
stomachs acidify
my basest thoughts
so I can stand here, neutral.
yes, I can look you in the eyes
and not even blink.

Wandering/Wavering

the highway is beautiful at night
a ribbon of flowing lights
mesmerizing
and I lose myself in the drumbeat
drowning in the bassline
pretending it's your heartbeat.
consciousness flowing through
the empty passenger seat
dissipating out into the air.
it is twenty eight degrees outside
and I hardly notice.
I'm eighteen miles ahead
and seven months behind
walking the razor edge of ambivalence
as you slip in and out of focus
flying past
lingering, maybe
but only for one grasping moment
so I'm left again with only air to hold.
you're my cloud
but I haven't found the sun yet
what is it that burns you away?
I'm sorry that I can't feel your vapor
waiting for the rain
or another sunny day
I'm assaulted by mist and fog.
she twines her hand in mine
and I...
twitch.
what is this silence?
I patch your holes with scraps of plaid
but you're wearing so thin
and I'm almost out of thread.
weave me tartan from your hair, love
it's brazen, oceanic
just the thing for mending this
unless I'm illiterate
unless I'm deluding myself
into thinking I could read the words
you traced upon my arms
so I'll sit here calmly erasing you.
I know you didn't mean to kill my balance
but I'm tumbling.
if she catches me
does that make her mine?
alternately pushing and pulling
it's go limp or tear apart.
I stare out my spiderwebbed pane
with mendacious clarity
hoping the shards hold
always just a few more weeks.

Refusal/Denial

My brain batters at the walls of my skull like the silvered moths beating themselves to death against the window pane, confusing my flickering candles for the spiraling stars. It wants out it wants out it wants out I want out. All the colors on the walls have begun to laugh at me as they melt and meld and drip down to the baseboards, pooling around my shaking ankles as I stand unmoving, squeezing my eyes tight against the tiny insect legs scratching at my bones, the wings thudding against the lenses. Open your eyes, open your eyes, lift your head and stare the world in the face before they make a cocoon of your head. Your mind is already being spun to silk. Force them out your pupils until the room is filled with the frantic vibrations of a million feathered wings. Never speak a word, they'll only steal them away from your cracking lips, just cry until their agitation tears the walls to splinters and the colors run to dust. Cling tight to the taciturn trees, hide your shivers in their branches until the wind dies.

Three

exorbitant speed
pulls me apart, rips my seams
blurs all my edges

--

mesmerizing dust
coats our hands and our faces
we turn to the sky.

--

you walk down alone
trailing a shadow of thought
into a streetlamp.

Attraction

if you wanted this
you should have picked me up before I melted into the sidewalk
it pulled me in
as I swirled my fingers through the cracks
they pulled me under
my nerves tangling with the roots of the weeds
I reached in
the clay soft, quiet, choking
I sank down
floating gently in the silent world of tiny worms
suspended
dark behemoths rising beneath me
I fell towards the sky
as the cracks widened with every step
you pulled
viscous resistance, apathetic limpness
pulled me out
the sun was blinding, but you were there
holding me
closer than ever, after it burned
I pushed you away
cold and dripping, caked in concrete
don't want this
let me sink back into the sidewalk
I'll hear you
the echo of your boots on the grey cement
reverberates
I'll know when you're near me
but please, just let me go

These are old

oh, sweet apathy!
why hast thou abandoned me?
it's too much, too much.

--

exhaustion's stolen
everything you thought you had...
my body, my mind.

--

you're delusional,
don't think it's all behind us....
open your damn eyes.

--

you are my caffeine
I am giddy, ecstatic
and crash-- empty, low.

Spin

Floating in an effervescent sea of thistledown
Rocked by your infectious, fevered pulse
Washed by waves of black ribbon
That extract all thought
All emotion
All sense of being
Leaving only a body
In an ecstasy of pain
Reaching, reaching, reaching
Never quite enough.
Jumping, always waiting
For you to catch me in your brittle arms.
You never will, will you?
Not until I've already splintered on the smoking ground.
Twist me out from your spindled tongue
Or send me shooting up your spidered veins
Make me a part of something beautiful
Anything that isn't me.

Two More

reality is
nothing more than the fluid
trapped between our bones.

--

everything I am
is beginning to dissolve.
I'm not resisting.

Nerves

It's a wave of sensation that begins in your feet, ringing your ankles and shooting in cold prickling spikes of flame up your legs, pulsing against your shins with every stride, settling as angry embers in your joints, sending waves of shivers racing up your body as your blood distills and the sweat begins to drip. It's a lithographic assault, the Gaea revenge, a disease you have to learn to counter or ignore to survive. It's not your place to protest, you, as transgressor, must accept this penance as your due. Laugh as you embrace the fire shooting up your limbs. It's an invasion, as waves of heat wash down your throat and shocks, shivers radiate out, pushed back farther and farther with every desperate gulp. Push your emotions out of your fingers and your feet to attain perfection in emptiness more beautiful than the purest ecstasy. Hold it off as long as you can, let your mind rest in the cold, clean bliss of untormented logic. Hold it off as long as you can, cling fast to your numbness... but your feet always pull it back, your bones are greedy, as the color spirals, rushing back up and around, encasing your skeleton in a riot of feeling and warmth. It takes another to push it down into your bones, stop it writhing through your skin, shuddering through your fingers and pulling at your eyes, rushing through your ears and washing away your focus and sense of self, of reality. It pulses manicly, in and out, in and out, eroding your skin and your apathy.

I am addicted to haiku

When the glass shatters
don't you worry, love, it will
all have been my fault.

--

I want to get lost
In lonesome woods, burning leaves
please don't follow me.

--

remember my feet.
I will forget, but they've got
so many stories.

--

eloquently, I
have nothing at all to say,
yet I just can't stop.

--

I swear to you I
wanted to, I wanted to...
I just never knew.

--

stars get stuck sometimes,
hang above us, and we wait,
evaporating.

More Haiku

your skin is honey,
but I'm not a bee, no, I'm
just a tiny moth.

--

leave me alone, please.
this dirigible only
holds one psychopath.

--

my nose just floated
off of my face, I'm afraid.
can you spare some bread?

--

your shed has been the
base for all my secret plans.
(ignore the bloodstains).

--

wow, that is a large
basket of hummingbirds, sir.
mind if I steal them?

Several Quick Haiku

hello, old man sun.
burn me quickly, won't you now?
I'm a lobster girl!

--

no matter what you
say to me I cannot cry--
I am an island.

--

why'd you take away
that piece of my sky? all the
daisies are screaming.

--

A SUPERNOVA!
That is how I want to die.
Implode, then, flashBANG!

--

oh my god, your hair
the ocean in my fingers
entwining, sleeping.

Failed Attempts

I am an emotional sink, a lightning rod, if you will
I draw in the raving and hysterical and shudder their shrieks down my bones
Twisting my entrails out and jolting my nerves in an electric ecstasy
Too blunt for effective attraction
Intended catharsis still doesn't work
I'm sorry I don't know how to hold you together when you fall apart on me
In the middle of the night when you're besieged on every side
And the persistent thud of the ballista and the sickening rumble of powdered masonry
Makes me drown myself in stale chocolate
Laced with nostalgia
It doesn't really help, but I do like to pretend
That bitterness cancels itself
Rather than building on every regret
Every reminiscence
Do walls hinder or help, here?
Should I render myself defenseless before you
Or would a strong solid facade be better?
As much as I believe in honesty
I don't think omitting how shaky I am
Really counts as lying
Does it?
I just wish I knew how to hold you together
Without lying to you completely...
Trust me, I wish
I wish it could work
It would do us both good, I think
At least for a time
But I just can't risk that
It's too much
Too much
The stakes have risen far too high for this
I don't care if the shrapnel collides with my body
A shield may be all it's good for anyhow
So I'll catch your pieces, love
And put them together as best I can with bits of wire and
Binding twine
Scraps of ribbon
Don't worry, love, no needle.
But my hands are far from deft
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so very sorry
I wish I knew what to say to you
But everything is mud, now
All my clarity... did I ever have any?
I wish I could remember how I used to handle crumbling minds
Instead of how hypnotizing you smelled...
Why can't I go through and erase all that?
I really don't want to remember you anymore
I was so much more content when I didn't know how lonely I was
But I don't understand
I'm... I guess I'm glad
But I don't understand why...
Hell, I don't understand any of this
That's why I run away and up
Into the wings of the night on fire
Into the spectral current far above your uncaring head
I walk up her fingertips
Crown my head in flames
Because I can't believe you anymore.

Pieces

Some short ones and bits and pieces, maybe to be revisited and added to, if I ever feel like it... but I think they might be dead by now.

---

And I sit here calmly erasing you
With secret gregarious tendencies
As my mind stares impassively back at me
Then coldly turns and walks out the door.


Smoke wreathing my hair
As empathy drifts, wraithlike, around my head
Dancing against and through a funeral shroud for you.
My eyes close and my brain forces itself clamshell-tight
An instinctive self-defensive uncontrollable reflex
To shield my frightened shrinking mind from your fear.
I want to hold you for hours
Stroke your hair
Tell you everything will be alright
I can't stand to see you so defeated.


We are living in our bones and the bones of our mothers
Intertwined amongst the picket fences and rose bushes.


Am I cooler than a dirigible?


Are the shadows mocking us, or is that just the insomnia talking?


Do I have a problem with suppressed rage, or are the tea leaves telling me to smash the china against the wall and paint the room earl grey?


Why won't you let me be your lightning rod?


Her hands shrunk and paled and twisted and I hid my face so she couldn't see how upset I was; if I'm not strong, cold and emotionless, how can she be?


I climbed the branches as she pointed to all the lovely fruit already lying in the cold, wet ground, but I laughed and climbed higher as it began to rain, and the sun sank behind the trees and gilded every drop beaded in her honey hair. I became a cloud and wept to see her so far below.

Stumble

I meet you there and enjoy a few sweet minutes as we sit draped and entwined and I condense into, finally, a real person, concrete and heavy, and I bask in the luminous lucidity that has found me at last... but then you shove cheaply off and drag me away and up and out and down with you and everything that I am evaporates and my reality fades out like the words you wrote so lovingly in the sand when we were seagulls and danced in the razor-blade grass, not caring about the cuts ringing our calves or the bruises blooming aubergine and aquamarine on our bare sun-baked thighs. I ran away from you on a train in the darkness, and as we roared through the night I laughed to be so free of you, but I disembarked on a minefield hung with glittering spun-sugar lights and clouds of chlorine gas over a deceitful marsh of creme brulee and sofa cushions. You lied to me, to all of us, and then slowly slid your shining knife between my ribs, smiling sweetly all the time, and when you shower me with your false concern I will laugh in your face like the madman I am so surely becoming. You don't even notice, you just think I'm laughing at some stupid joke, or just for the thrill and the joy of being alive, you've never been able to tell when I hate you. Maybe you just think I'm as blind as you are, that I don't see your hands, enticing behind your back, as you stand far too close for innocence and lie with your smiling hopeful eyes at us for fear of losing the people you say you love the most. Pray to whatever you hold dear, darling, because every day you're pushing harder, testing the sinews that we've got tied around our swollen ankles, and they won't hold much longer, I'm warning you; your horrible mistakes, your greed, your complaints, your utter disregard for what anyine else wants or needs, your incredible, mindboggling inability to understand how anyone but yourself is feeling have set off an apocolyptic collection of alarms-- the flashing lights and air-raid wails have got everyone else hiding terrified underground, wrapped in itching blankets with their eyes tightly shut, but you don't notice a thing as you stand on your alabastor pedestal and tell yourself you are raining benevolance upon us, the unwashed masses, but we just shake our heads as we open our umbrellas against your acid, and slowly walk away from your philistine face turned in rapture toward the sun. I leap down and sail on a moth's painted wings across the blueberry sky to settle in your virtual arms even as they fade away and I am left to stare blankly at a cold and unresponding emptiness where I long to see your love flash before me so I can forgive my unresponsiveness and the way I faded away from your linked arms and onto the train in the night. I ramble rumblingly on as my head splits open and forces my body into the sleep of the terminally passive-agressive overthinking psychotic pansy.

Sealed

What the hell was I thinking?
You weren't, that's for god-damned sure.
I always come back to you
I don't know why
It always ends with me hating you again
Our relationship wanes
And I can no longer wax poetic
Eloquence is lost to me now
No pretty words flow out to describe this
This is something entirely new
A new brand of emotion
Cutting deep
Dark and caustic
As you keep ripping out the scar tissue.
Good thing I'm good with cover-up
And you're all but blind
Your eyes stitched shut
With hypnotic chemicals.
You plead, say you love her.
Prove it.
I can't believe you.
Not anymore.
I don't even trust myself
To look you in your saccharin eyes
Without losing control of my tightly-wound temper.
You're scared of losing us
You should be.
You're so goddamned lucky
That we've got heads like plateaus
That we know it's not worth this...
This alkaline burn
It'll heal
We've both got scars already.
But I still can't comprehend
How your mind works
Is it clockwork?
Have you ever read between lines
Or paused
Just
Waited
One
More
Moment
In consideration, contemplation
Of what could happen?
Weighed worths balanced by the world on your shoulders?
But your atlas is much too restricted
So you're not conflicted
Just looking back, regretful
As you finally realize
Oh, shit, this'll hurt
This could...
This could break.
And as my eyes are forced
Wider and wider
Squint as I might
Every inch gained
Pushes me right back to the beginning
Overcoming every frantic attempt
To accept
Forgive
At the very least, forget.
But it's so much worse than even I thought
Despite my mind's delirious hyperbole.
The tiny light in the center of my brain
That holds my trust in you
Every day I try to make it grow
But with every inch gained
It dwindles more and more
And despite all your pleading words
You seem determined to snuff it out completely.
Isolation can only do so much
I have to confront this sometime
But every time I try...
Every determined ounce of steeled nerves run screaming
From your laughing eyes and playful hands
And I smile and fold
Just like always.

I am an island.

Everyone else is drunk

Nail-file air conditioners drill their way into my ears with the steady tap-tapping of the drip from the uncleaned overfilled overflowing gutters ten feet straight down onto beige aluminum as sirens wail in the distance, on their way to something they or someone believes to be urgent enough to merit flashing lights and an alarming cry. A train whistle resonates in my bones as it rumbles heavily through my backyard. Timid crickets tacitly attempt a two-note lullaby to lull me into a two-toned dream world where everyone lives in an enormous canteloupe and all their shoes are verdantly neon. The wind rustles the leaves insistently: 'no, don't sleep, don't sleep, you don't want to go there. Trust me on this one. You'll only have dreams that you won't want to remember, waking disoriented, disconcerted, anxious and angry and feeling like you've gotten no sleep at all. Better to just lie awake and listen to machines rolling obliviously by until exhaustion consumes your brain and you fall into true unconsciousness. Trust me.' Your mind snakes its way insidiously, amphibiously up my leg, across my sun-baked cacti thighs, your scent intoxicating, seductive, corrosive and compelling. There's a void between us as you bask exotic in the sun and I erode in the tired familiarity of the absolutely ordinary. I can feel you, I can feel you, and everything is velveteen, the softest dove grey into the burgundy stretches of late next week as our paper-crane wishes and basketweave lives overlap and maybe, maybe intertwine for a nectarine moment of tasting ambrosia in your hair, and everything will cool to an igneous black, if we can keep ourselves from bleaching out to alabaster as I desperately trade you a pocketful of buttons for your needle and thread.

Which way is north?

The rising moon, enormous
With a manic tangerine grin
Chases us across a barren field
Of coal dust and copper pebbles.
Ghost deer flit at the edge of vision
As ragged scars open under our feet
And a clockwork wolf howls.
Around us, the trees shimmer
My eyes burn.
An insistent tugging at my scalp
Pulls the salt from my eyes
To coat the concrete pillars below
As I stagger across iron rails
Over seductive chasms
Deceptively wide and treacherously deep.
Shadowed eyes peer suspiciously upward
As he crouches beneath my dusty toes
In the shadows of the glaring mercury floodlights
That create dizzying patterns of sharp contrast
Deepest ebony against the sheen of tempered steel.
The moon rises, cackling
Footsteps quicken and breaths catch.
A nervous laugh
And a hurried backward glance.

Squinting, nearsighted thoughts in the dead hours of the night

Sometimes when I'm talking to people on the phone I forget that they have substance and that they actually exist at a concrete point in space-- they have an environment that they must interact with. I just think of them as disassembled, disembodied voices suspended in a fuzzy black void at the other end of the wire-- which itself is becoming ever more and more imaginary.

You have a way of picking me up so that I am floating in the upper reaches of the atmosphere, laughing and gazing down at the birds like ants below the vaporous clouds, but also of plunging me down to the very depths of the sea so that I lie, swaying gently, in the murky sands, nibbled by unseen creatures and watching the eerie lights of bizarre and grotesque fish drift by before they disappear into the gloom.

On the edge of sleep, my bedsheets are made of barbed wire and eider down.

Glaze my skin with selflessness

A seraphim's self-induced chemical haze
The backbone of the drumbeat
As the spinal c(h)ord beats a soft tattoo
The rhythm chronic, neurotic
Burrowing insistently into her dazed head.
A catch in the throat
And a cold, resisting lump
Deep in the center of the chest.
A heavy, intoxicating weariness settles over the skin
In a sticky, noxious film
Sinking and crawling its way into the marrow.
Each heartbeat lasts longer and longer
As the blood cools
And every limb is slowly transmuted
Into hardening clay.
Tiny veins of ink spiderweb the whites of the eyes
As her brain begins to sublime.
Infiltration, yes
The insidious invaders have inserted themselves
Into every fiber
Every vessel
Every microscopic pore.
Infection, yes.
But don't call it a disease.
She has become a stony effigy
To those who cannot
Will not
Should not resist
Letting go
Giving up
Giving in.
A one-shot chance at attaining nirvana.
And if you miss...
What, really, have you lost?

Weather

We fly straight as green arrows into the heart of the storm. The sulfurous wind whips our sodden feathers around us as we labor determinately onward, our focus as sharp and deadly as the spears of lightning flickering in the distance. We fly out of the warm vernal sun, into a forbidding shade with a purple hue and a sickly yellow underbelly. We leave the light behind us, and we never once look back. Icy drops of rain assault us, pounding our backs and our heads and our weary wings, maliciously trying to chase us from the sky; we surge upward, out of the torrential downpour and into the choking clouds. The wind gusts in dizzying eddies, and I struggle to keep your sable form in sight as you begin to fade away into the haze. I struggle on blindly, desperately hoping that I have not gotten twisted into a spiral, perpetually circling the eye of the great storm. Fear drives me on as I cling tightly to the belief that I still follow you.
The fog at last begins to weaken, and I push my screaming, leaden body on with a new rush of hope. Shafts of light pierce the enveloping shroud, glittering with defiance. I burst through the final wall, and when my vision clears I see you gliding ahead of me. Exhausted and aching, but flooded with triumph, we fly on through pale azure skies, as thunder rumbles on the horizon.

Spectral moths flash outside my window

The leeching roots swell and crawl beneath my skin
Pale white forms grisly against my tense, anxious body.
They suck the moisture from me
And I become the brittle paper of a wasp's nest.
I fray and curl at the edges.
The tips of the roots burst forth
Grotesque worms greedily seeking daylight.
Shreds of paper drift away from my hollow form
The inside blackened, slick and molding
The outside dry, sun-bleached, and cracking.
I await my end patiently
Turning my withering face to the unforgiving light
Seeing nothing
Only waiting
To resist would be a waste of precious time.

Remaining

I lie motionless in the hard mo(u)rning light.
Threads run out of my ribs
Across the sheets and into the woodwork.
I am dissolving
I am crumbling
I've been torn wide open and I am unraveling.
I stare coldly at the great rend in my body
And I try to reconcile you and me
Who I thought you were
What I've seen, heard, felt
How I feel about us
And about you and me.
I am boneless and I am sinking down into the clay
Its cold, emotionless embrace shields me
From the void growing from the pit of my stomach
As my insides crawl away
Into the bright summer sky.
Yesterday I was a paper bird
Today, I am crumpled and sodden
Waiting to dissolve.

May 30

My brain is dying. It is running out of my ears and my eyes and my fingers and toes. It is leaking out with ever-increasing speed, constantly becoming more and more fluid; it is pouring out of me and it won't come back.
We are too amazing for words, we are too cool for shadows. Fuck this, we don't need faces, what are they but lies we turn to the morning light, begging selfishly for all that there is, on our knees in the cold air, the warm red mud. We supplicate shamelessly for things we should never even hope to hold.
Fight me, fight me, I hate everything you are. I want everything you are. Kick me down into the clay, grind my bones to dirt and ash. You might as well take everything I am-- division is senseless.

Cognac and Fireworks

I want to be a supernova
As bagpipes float through the darkness
Let me expand into the night.
I want to stargaze with you
We'll fly there together
Forget the world.
Racing through the night
We'll leave the earth behind
Speed past Venus
Past Mercury
Straight to the heart of the sun.
You and me, hand in hand
We'll pass beyond
Out of orbit
Faster and faster
Spinning through galaxies like fountains of dust
Laughing with the ecstasy and the thrill of it all
We'll go beyond the point of safe return
Go until we burn out
Keep racing on and on
Reckless and giddy
Drunk on adrenaline
Overwhelmed by the mind-bending blackness.
Fly to the planets with me.
Race until we explode in a chrysanthemum of flame
Laughing into oblivion.
Accelerate until out material bodies
Can no longer contain our exhilaration and joy
Keep gaining speed until we can hold ourselves together no longer
Until we are overcome by our happiness
And the white-hot emotion
Bursts forth
An explosion bigger than you could ever know
Leaving a vapor trail of dazzling sparks
In the ebony sea of stars
We fizzle out and become the night.
We'll light the universe
As we fall
Out of time
And out of existence.

April 25

Take my energy
Pull out my life
I don't need it.
Let it flow through your veins
Your limbs
Breathe it out into the air around you.
Give me to the birds
Let them nest in my hair.
Lay me down and let me dissolve
Diffuse into everything
Eternity brings omnipresence.
Leech the vitality from me
I'll shrivel up and die happy
Fade away
As you burst forth.
Breathe me in, breath me out
I want to be a part of everything.
Swim through the tiny rivulets
That the spring rains flood through the world
Soak me up
Drink me in
I rejoice in oblivion
In nourishing you with my being.
I have no need for substance anymore
It will suit you so much better.
I don't want it
Just take me
Destroy me
Scatter me
Oblivion is omnipotence.
Don't make me an ubiquity
Make me everything
Make me real.

April 21

Panorama of a war in the back of my skull
A matrix of burgundy smoke
Grenades, sparks
Crumbling stone palisades.
All sound is muted
As if through thick glass.
Sulfuric lights flash sickeningly.
Pebbles, powdered cement burst
Fall slowly
Outward and down
In lazy, terrifying arcs.
No guns
No soldiers
No sides.
A city in the distance.
No sky, only endless boiling clouds.
No you
I am nothing
I am diffuse throughout what little air remains.
There is only the scorched earth
Strewn with crumbled stone
Lonely stretches of defiant, unmoving, martyred stone walls
Watching their comrades evaporate around them.
Everything is the color of wine.

November 2

Balance on the edge of the seductive abyss
The ecstasy of illusory flight
Freefall.
Rocks and waves and sand and
Black, black agony
Numb.
Aching stone.
Hanging in the air
Looking down
Spinning
Whirling
Dancing
Screaming and laughing and crying and
Loving and hating
Down and up
Into the dark, into the light
Won't hit the rocks 'til tomorrow
It's ok.
Emptiness and black
Ecstasy.
Dragging out
All the way up
Out, out, out
Walked away from sweet temptation
Of simulation
Stimulation
Consideration...
Disturbingly cloying.

October 13

Hope, longing, apathy
Every bit of it's a lie.

Sanity is leaking
Flowing, pouring out
Diffusing all of me
To all of you
All of everything
The world is me and you
And nothing is real but thought
Is aether
And you are so far away.
Float away, it's ok
I'm sorry
Who is this?
One more push
You make me sick.
No, no, not that easily, you won't
Not on your life.

September 16

Day-to-day urges
always suppressed
they compress
they get ugly.

Going to Hell in a lavender hand-basket
Paved with good intentions
But the deeds are by the wayside
With everything I ever meant to tell you.
Goodbye, my mind
Why are you floating over there?
I am minuscule
A giant
I am in your blood, your bones
Bones, bones, bones.
"Three is the number of the day", the blackbird said.
Birds cover the sky
Huge and foreboding
Tiny dove, shot down
Cannon
Fwoosh
Smoke
Flash
Rewind
Replay
Sob, sob, sob
Shiver, shake, hyperventilate.
I'm sorry I collapsed on your sweatshirt
Who are you?
Are you me?
Or her?
Or someone else entirely?
Are you paper?
Flesh?
Aether?
I fall apart
Out of sight
Out of mind
Almost-but-never-quite out of reach.
Who to trust, who to tell?
Who shall keep my secrets well?
Your hair, your hair
It's wet
Soft
Unnatural.
You worry me, I worry you
Don't laugh, just understand.
Why haven't you changed?
Don't you feel the least bit strange?
You, you, you.
So many people, so many words
They'll never know
Oh no, no, no
They stay here
Between my head and the world
Caught safely, never to be let free
Oh no, no, no
Freedom is such an illusion.
I dare you
Wrap your self-important mind around this
Around me.
Go ahead, fuck with my mind some more.
Maybe this time I'll fuck you up, too.
But no
I'm too meek and docile and stupidly virtuous
Damnit, I want to get even
But it's all in my head.
If I'm a balloon, what are you?
Need to forget, forgive, belong.
Don't drift away again
Come closer
Get away from me
I can't stand the distance and the crowd.