Failed Attempts

I am an emotional sink, a lightning rod, if you will
I draw in the raving and hysterical and shudder their shrieks down my bones
Twisting my entrails out and jolting my nerves in an electric ecstasy
Too blunt for effective attraction
Intended catharsis still doesn't work
I'm sorry I don't know how to hold you together when you fall apart on me
In the middle of the night when you're besieged on every side
And the persistent thud of the ballista and the sickening rumble of powdered masonry
Makes me drown myself in stale chocolate
Laced with nostalgia
It doesn't really help, but I do like to pretend
That bitterness cancels itself
Rather than building on every regret
Every reminiscence
Do walls hinder or help, here?
Should I render myself defenseless before you
Or would a strong solid facade be better?
As much as I believe in honesty
I don't think omitting how shaky I am
Really counts as lying
Does it?
I just wish I knew how to hold you together
Without lying to you completely...
Trust me, I wish
I wish it could work
It would do us both good, I think
At least for a time
But I just can't risk that
It's too much
Too much
The stakes have risen far too high for this
I don't care if the shrapnel collides with my body
A shield may be all it's good for anyhow
So I'll catch your pieces, love
And put them together as best I can with bits of wire and
Binding twine
Scraps of ribbon
Don't worry, love, no needle.
But my hands are far from deft
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so very sorry
I wish I knew what to say to you
But everything is mud, now
All my clarity... did I ever have any?
I wish I could remember how I used to handle crumbling minds
Instead of how hypnotizing you smelled...
Why can't I go through and erase all that?
I really don't want to remember you anymore
I was so much more content when I didn't know how lonely I was
But I don't understand
I'm... I guess I'm glad
But I don't understand why...
Hell, I don't understand any of this
That's why I run away and up
Into the wings of the night on fire
Into the spectral current far above your uncaring head
I walk up her fingertips
Crown my head in flames
Because I can't believe you anymore.