Refusal/Denial

My brain batters at the walls of my skull like the silvered moths beating themselves to death against the window pane, confusing my flickering candles for the spiraling stars. It wants out it wants out it wants out I want out. All the colors on the walls have begun to laugh at me as they melt and meld and drip down to the baseboards, pooling around my shaking ankles as I stand unmoving, squeezing my eyes tight against the tiny insect legs scratching at my bones, the wings thudding against the lenses. Open your eyes, open your eyes, lift your head and stare the world in the face before they make a cocoon of your head. Your mind is already being spun to silk. Force them out your pupils until the room is filled with the frantic vibrations of a million feathered wings. Never speak a word, they'll only steal them away from your cracking lips, just cry until their agitation tears the walls to splinters and the colors run to dust. Cling tight to the taciturn trees, hide your shivers in their branches until the wind dies.

Three

exorbitant speed
pulls me apart, rips my seams
blurs all my edges

--

mesmerizing dust
coats our hands and our faces
we turn to the sky.

--

you walk down alone
trailing a shadow of thought
into a streetlamp.

Attraction

if you wanted this
you should have picked me up before I melted into the sidewalk
it pulled me in
as I swirled my fingers through the cracks
they pulled me under
my nerves tangling with the roots of the weeds
I reached in
the clay soft, quiet, choking
I sank down
floating gently in the silent world of tiny worms
suspended
dark behemoths rising beneath me
I fell towards the sky
as the cracks widened with every step
you pulled
viscous resistance, apathetic limpness
pulled me out
the sun was blinding, but you were there
holding me
closer than ever, after it burned
I pushed you away
cold and dripping, caked in concrete
don't want this
let me sink back into the sidewalk
I'll hear you
the echo of your boots on the grey cement
reverberates
I'll know when you're near me
but please, just let me go

These are old

oh, sweet apathy!
why hast thou abandoned me?
it's too much, too much.

--

exhaustion's stolen
everything you thought you had...
my body, my mind.

--

you're delusional,
don't think it's all behind us....
open your damn eyes.

--

you are my caffeine
I am giddy, ecstatic
and crash-- empty, low.

Spin

Floating in an effervescent sea of thistledown
Rocked by your infectious, fevered pulse
Washed by waves of black ribbon
That extract all thought
All emotion
All sense of being
Leaving only a body
In an ecstasy of pain
Reaching, reaching, reaching
Never quite enough.
Jumping, always waiting
For you to catch me in your brittle arms.
You never will, will you?
Not until I've already splintered on the smoking ground.
Twist me out from your spindled tongue
Or send me shooting up your spidered veins
Make me a part of something beautiful
Anything that isn't me.

Two More

reality is
nothing more than the fluid
trapped between our bones.

--

everything I am
is beginning to dissolve.
I'm not resisting.

Nerves

It's a wave of sensation that begins in your feet, ringing your ankles and shooting in cold prickling spikes of flame up your legs, pulsing against your shins with every stride, settling as angry embers in your joints, sending waves of shivers racing up your body as your blood distills and the sweat begins to drip. It's a lithographic assault, the Gaea revenge, a disease you have to learn to counter or ignore to survive. It's not your place to protest, you, as transgressor, must accept this penance as your due. Laugh as you embrace the fire shooting up your limbs. It's an invasion, as waves of heat wash down your throat and shocks, shivers radiate out, pushed back farther and farther with every desperate gulp. Push your emotions out of your fingers and your feet to attain perfection in emptiness more beautiful than the purest ecstasy. Hold it off as long as you can, let your mind rest in the cold, clean bliss of untormented logic. Hold it off as long as you can, cling fast to your numbness... but your feet always pull it back, your bones are greedy, as the color spirals, rushing back up and around, encasing your skeleton in a riot of feeling and warmth. It takes another to push it down into your bones, stop it writhing through your skin, shuddering through your fingers and pulling at your eyes, rushing through your ears and washing away your focus and sense of self, of reality. It pulses manicly, in and out, in and out, eroding your skin and your apathy.

I am addicted to haiku

When the glass shatters
don't you worry, love, it will
all have been my fault.

--

I want to get lost
In lonesome woods, burning leaves
please don't follow me.

--

remember my feet.
I will forget, but they've got
so many stories.

--

eloquently, I
have nothing at all to say,
yet I just can't stop.

--

I swear to you I
wanted to, I wanted to...
I just never knew.

--

stars get stuck sometimes,
hang above us, and we wait,
evaporating.

More Haiku

your skin is honey,
but I'm not a bee, no, I'm
just a tiny moth.

--

leave me alone, please.
this dirigible only
holds one psychopath.

--

my nose just floated
off of my face, I'm afraid.
can you spare some bread?

--

your shed has been the
base for all my secret plans.
(ignore the bloodstains).

--

wow, that is a large
basket of hummingbirds, sir.
mind if I steal them?

Several Quick Haiku

hello, old man sun.
burn me quickly, won't you now?
I'm a lobster girl!

--

no matter what you
say to me I cannot cry--
I am an island.

--

why'd you take away
that piece of my sky? all the
daisies are screaming.

--

A SUPERNOVA!
That is how I want to die.
Implode, then, flashBANG!

--

oh my god, your hair
the ocean in my fingers
entwining, sleeping.

Failed Attempts

I am an emotional sink, a lightning rod, if you will
I draw in the raving and hysterical and shudder their shrieks down my bones
Twisting my entrails out and jolting my nerves in an electric ecstasy
Too blunt for effective attraction
Intended catharsis still doesn't work
I'm sorry I don't know how to hold you together when you fall apart on me
In the middle of the night when you're besieged on every side
And the persistent thud of the ballista and the sickening rumble of powdered masonry
Makes me drown myself in stale chocolate
Laced with nostalgia
It doesn't really help, but I do like to pretend
That bitterness cancels itself
Rather than building on every regret
Every reminiscence
Do walls hinder or help, here?
Should I render myself defenseless before you
Or would a strong solid facade be better?
As much as I believe in honesty
I don't think omitting how shaky I am
Really counts as lying
Does it?
I just wish I knew how to hold you together
Without lying to you completely...
Trust me, I wish
I wish it could work
It would do us both good, I think
At least for a time
But I just can't risk that
It's too much
Too much
The stakes have risen far too high for this
I don't care if the shrapnel collides with my body
A shield may be all it's good for anyhow
So I'll catch your pieces, love
And put them together as best I can with bits of wire and
Binding twine
Scraps of ribbon
Don't worry, love, no needle.
But my hands are far from deft
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so very sorry
I wish I knew what to say to you
But everything is mud, now
All my clarity... did I ever have any?
I wish I could remember how I used to handle crumbling minds
Instead of how hypnotizing you smelled...
Why can't I go through and erase all that?
I really don't want to remember you anymore
I was so much more content when I didn't know how lonely I was
But I don't understand
I'm... I guess I'm glad
But I don't understand why...
Hell, I don't understand any of this
That's why I run away and up
Into the wings of the night on fire
Into the spectral current far above your uncaring head
I walk up her fingertips
Crown my head in flames
Because I can't believe you anymore.